The Search!

As I take on with my life after your shattering demise, I realized that I have been forced upon with responsibilities. And while I continue to take care of the irksome office works and files and procuring all the relevant documents for the same, I found out that some of them were insufficent and some missing!

This drove me to conduct an inherent search of the lost papers and tokens. Every possible box and bag opened, its contents tossed and turned about and each document scanned for the nature of its contents. It was painful. It made me feel like an intruder in your personal space. Like some sort of a spy or a low life detective, rummaging through your stuff, scattering it around.

While I ransacked your papers I realized that not only am i searching for the needed documents but also i am dredging for similarities between us. Wishing with every word I utter and step I take I am duplicating you.

But moments later it dawned on me that its not about being you. Its about redefining myself, rather refining myself. It was kinda like a soul search, except that it was not. It was about who i was and who i am now And who I have to be. From denial to anger, bargain, depression and finally adjustment I have come a long way. I am no longer the person I was 10 months back. Although I  am not entirely sure that I like that fact.

I am no different then others. All of us engaged in some quest or the other. Some search for dreams and those who know theirs pursue them. Some search for peace and that little secluded happy place in the back of their mind. Some look for hope among broken dreams. And some delve into the past and search for lost dreams wishes and people.

Its just about picking the right quest.

Breaking Free!

I closed my eyes and drift in my imagination.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Cold wind cutting through my skin, blowing through my hair and making a mess out of them. Strangely, my hands are tied down together and held around my chest. I am confused and afraid. I look around. Nobody. Alone. Afraid. Aghast. Hysterical. I can feel the pang of anger and frustration building up inside my chest. Weird, I thought my chest was hollow with a huge hole carved in it... apparently i can harbor feelings!! I give a nervous look around. I look down the edge of the cliff... I see no ground... Nothing but darkness..Like its too low for light to reach there. I gasp. I will fall down this never ending blind valley.

I glance around. The sky is clear and mountains as far the eye can see. Bald mountains. No tree. No bird. No sign of life what so ever. Spooky. I feel strangled. Asphyxiated. 

The pain of the rope around hands now shoots to my brain and the trance I had been in while looking around breaks. I must break free. I must channelize my anger to a positive attitude. I must release myself from these bonds. I put my mind and strength to it. 

I try to pull my hands apart. Shouting loudly in the process. Almost, like my desire to break free from the bonds did the magic... in one fluid like motion the rope tying my hands together frees. I shout some more, this time with tears too. And i continue to scream my lungs out to the barren mountains till i cant do it anymore. My hands are free. I feel somewhat lighter. Somewhat changed. 

But the remains of the rope is still hanging from my wrists. I am free, but not completely. I fear some part of that emotion still strangles me. It will try to bind me again and push me down the cliff in the dark abyss of nothingness. I must move on from here. And I will.

KITE!

Its a plain black kite.

I remember the day vividly. I saw it hanging from a tree while I was with my father. And in a blink... almost like enchanted by it, I ran towards it. Ran to claim it as mine... And i remember him grin at me, probably thinking I am too old to run for kites!

The kite came home with me and I decorated it and wrote several(silly) things on it. And also in a small corner of the kite I certified that My Dad was THE COOLEST DAD in the entire world. This kite certificate which I later gave him! Yes it was kiddish...plain stupid I'd say. But, I was oblivious to the fact that it now became a very precious thing for my father... my DEDDA.

So he gets it framed and preserves it. And even after so many job transfers he had, that black kite always found a place in the new house!! It was like his own merit card or something equivalent or perhaps of even greater value than that. It was some trophy for him..."World's Best Dad"!!! \

And now that you are gone... I look at it and sometimes smile by the way you preserved it, sometimes cry-for such stupid thing would mean so much just because I gave it to you, sometimes I laugh remembering your grin when I ran for it, but mostly I feel empty,lost when I look at it. I miss you when I see it. I want to curl up in a shape of a ball and stop the searing pain in my chest. You were and will always be the greatest and coolest and best-est dad...And I will always be your Princess...Daddy's Little Angel.