The Conflict!

The ages old story of the never ending battle, between heart and mind. For what one wants and what should be done!

In a perfect world, the heart and mind go in a unison. But, only a few live in that kind of a bubble. From what I see, most of us are cursed to endure the pain of choosing one over the other, and then, live with the guilt and agonizing thoughts of "It would have been", "It could have been" "I should have done that" and, many more thoughts attached with the strings of the ageless and most painful IF.

Picking sides. Heart over mind, or mind over heart? It was never easy. Which ever you decide on, either way only you get to loose. Pick the right thing to do and walk over all your heart's desire, or pick your callous heart and maybe regret it later due to some unhappy consequences it led to. The easy way is to be contended and satisfied with your desicion and with the things that follow. Easily said then done. Ironically my parents chose to name me 'Tripti'..,which means exactly what I am not.. SATISFIED.

Sometimes I wonder would it be better if one of the two silences forever. Atleast that way the nagging and gagging feelings will go away. Or what if I just listened to my heart... hoped that my brain would not think and overthink things through. I wonder would I be more at peace with myself? Would I be more happy. More satisfied with the things and with my actions which led to them. Would I still be bound with the strong cuffs of remorse for the things that I should have taken care of?

And at times I just dont get it? My mind overthinks things already in past. Like some old broken recorder, it plays the whole thing, but gets invariably stuck at my mistakes. Why? Why do I that? Wondering had I done somethings differently?? How different would my life be then? But the point is moot. Its useless. And I know that digging in the past, scrapping out the skins has never done any good. But it will only make me feel like a captive, in a cage created by myself. And I can assure you, its the worst kind of prison. Its like purgatory. Eternally living in that moment you know you could have changed but you didn't. Its your own personal hell.

Sadly, I have few moments of such regrets in that huge book of grievances. And I hope that maybe someday I will be able to step out in the sun again and feel the fresh air caress my face... I hope that someday I will be liberated from this baggage I carry... And I know that its not far away....

Poisinous Desire!

Once upon a time very long ago there was a place called Eldor. Now I do not remember where it was but I do know that it was the most splendid place to live. It had the most beautiful meadows and mountains and fields. The people were peaceful and they knew nothing about grief. It was all prosperity. Those who have been there would have known that what I say is true. It was all merry and party and peace. Such was the land of Eldor.

The King of Eldor was the most noble man known to have ruled the kingdom. The people loved him, for he was kind hearted and wise. The King had a Daughter. Naturally, the Princess was very beautiful. I have never seen her myself but I have heard people describe her beauty like a breath of fresh air. Her skin was like silk, soft and flawless. And her eyes were as black as the darkest of dark nights. Her hair were long shiny and breathtaking. They used to say that Eldor has its own radiant sun in form of the Princess, the fairest of the fair. They said her innocence and grace would make one forget all the sorrows. She was lively, exuberant, cheerful and all smiles and giggles.

But as fate would have it, all of this was about to change. Forever.

Our Story Begins, On a warm summer day when the Princess was standing by her window and listening to some old now forgotten melody being played to her. Its a beautiful day, she decided, and nodded in appreciation of the weather. 'I must go out today, its such a lovely day.' She said to herself. With this she ordered for the horses to be ready for she would love a ride.

Out in the fields now. Fresh air mixed with the aroma of flowers. It was perfect and I wish it would have stayed that way. And then she saw it.  Far away on some tree sat a magnificent bird that caught her eyes. It was the most extraordinary bird. Its small golden body was able to encase all the colors of rainbow and it had a tini tiny cutest beak! Oh! It was the most gorgeous site. Wait. It was weird. I have never seen a bird like this before, wondered the Princess. And I must surely be dreaming, for I feel the bird is staring at me like it knows me?! And before the Princess could comprehend what she has seen the bird broke into the most mesmerizing song ever heard. Princess and the guards around her, all got lost in it, absorbed by the tune. Everything ceased to exist while it sang, and it seemed like, the bird sang forever. And then it stopped. It paused for a moment on the tree branch, then with one quick look at the Princess it started to fly away. Did the bird nod at me? Oh no, its flying away. Does it want me to follow it? Oh! I want that bird. I could hear him sing all day... And with this the princess stroked her horse and rode in a hurry towards the bird.

The bird flew deeper and deeper into the woods, with the Princess, not taking her eyes off it for one second. And it felt like an eternity till the bird flew. And suddenly she realized that its dark and the moon has lit up the night sky. She stopped in her tracks. Turned back to look at her guards. What? Where are they? I must have lost them, but when? I remember them coming after me.. Oh no, dear no. Stupid bird. Oh the bird!... she looked forward... Where did it go? Oh great. I dont have the bird, I am lost at night in the woods. Stuck in parts of this place I've never been before. Lost, Alone, Hungry. She climbed down the horse and looked around. There is nothing here... What am I gonna do?

Now, Its no Fairy Tale or some story of neverland where Fairy Godmother and Pixies exist. Its a true story. And our brave Princess knew that. She knew no one is coming to rescue her atleast for the night. She will have to help herself. She rode back on the horse again, and was about to turn and leave in the direction she came from, but just then she heard the sound of water, like some one was splashing it. Where is that coming from. As far as I remember there is no river here. Oh this is so spooky. She followed the sound of waves and reached a pond in the heart of the forest. It was a sight to behold, the moon reflected in its water, everything around was serene and quite. The same bird she was following earlier, bathed in the cold water of the pond. Ah! there it is, I shall catch it and keep it with me.

So she ran towards it and tried to grasp the bird... But, the bird flew to the other side of the pond. "So, you want to play? Ok I can play birdee!" croaked the Princess. And she ran to other side of the pond. In a blink reaching for that weird animal. But it slipped past her again, making the Princess fall in the pond this time. Aaaah! growled she. I'll make you pay for this...and she tried once more. But, it was all in vain. All night she tried to catch it, while the bird continued to elude her. It seemed the bird was also enjoying it, like it was on some personal vendetta against Princess. At last, Princess gave up and fell to ground, and, being tired from this long day, she immediately dozed off.

The next morning Princess was woken up by the palace guards who had searched for her all night. She got up and looked around for the bird, but it was no where to be seen. So, she came back to the palace, but, everything had changed. For she had lost her peace of mind somewhere into the heart of the forest. It got past me. I was unable to seize it. I cannot even catch a small bird. I want it. What queen would i make? I cant even get a bird! Oh! I want that ravishing bird. It was a lovely song it sang! I want it. It was all she would think. And when she was not thinking, she would look out of her window and scan her surroundings for it. Slowly and slowly, the Princess became more and more obsessed with it. Like a poison, the desire of having the bird was killing her one day at a time. She lost her smile and that ring to her laughter was tainted, rather gone. Every one became worried for her, especially, the King.

The King offered a great prize for the bird. And waited for someone to bring to him. But the culprit bird was never seen after that. Various attempts were made to cheer up the Princess, but none of the beauties of the land or comforts or pleasures of the castle could console her. She was Fading, slowly withering away. Ah! the poisonous desire! Everyone started saying that the Sun of Eldor have Eclipsed.

Some say the Princess had imagined the whole bird thing. Others say that the bird was there, but it placed a curse on the charming Princess. Some say it was some dark magic or evil's doing. Some versions I heard even said, that the Princess had to be locked up for she was no longer sane. You will not believe how many conclusions I have heard, but sadly none of them ended well.

Well well, don't be disappointed I never promised a fairy tale with a gallant prince in a shining armor. For its a true story, and sadly enough, in life not all stories end well. And besides, I just wrote what I have heard.

An Ode to A Perfect Father!

My eyes have cried a river

and my heart has wept out all its blood,

The mind is in its own quiver

while the world's sorrow never stop to flood.

I yearned for you

and called everyone a liar,

The thought of you not being around,

burnt me like fire.

Oh! how foolish was I!

I was searching you around,

For when I looked within

I heard your sound.

It was them it struck me

that you've left this world

But you live in my heart and that's a fact,

And while it beats

You will never be gone

and no one can deny that!

For I can hear you everyday

calling from that kite,

And I see you getting ready

with all the style and hype.

And now you're wearing that

half amused half irritated expression,

For I just messed your hair

which took hours for good impression.

And together we are watching Shinchan

and making eggs,

And when its time for a vacation

2 months before you're packing the bags!

When I have to board a train

"Reach before time"

You are shouting in my brain

And outside the exam hall

I felt you patting my back

Saying "you know all you need,

for this exam to be cracked."

And on my birthday you sang the song

silently in my ear,

Right on the strike of midnight,

exactly like last year.

How can they say you are gone?

when i hear you shouting,

On doing something wrong.

And when I am sad I can sense you around here,

and at times

That roaring laughter of yours is ringing in my ears.

And I can go on and on and on...

and write a never ending tale

For Dear Dad

It was Indeed a Golden Age!

And I do wish I never had to say

"I lost my tail."

And although with all the knowledge

and reasons in the world

I know he lives within me,

But Oh!

How much do I wish to just

touch him, hug him and kiss him

And hold him close to me.

And even though this void can

never be fulfilled ever

Moving on with life seems clever.

For misery never prevails

Sometimes it shines,

At other it hails.

All this is easy enough to say,

But hard to swallow

And though my eyes have dried out

My chest fells shallow.

And this stupid mind of mine is searching in vain,

Looking for your shadow to love and laugh and to follow.

Life is hard,

And In your death I know you've found your peace.

But just be happy and contended and also ready,

For we shall meet.

And again there will be greener fields and prettier skies

As far as the eye can see,

For I'll be your Princess and you'll be my Dedda

And the world will again be beautiful and care free.

And being away from you

I lost my chirpy self

Oh! what a shame!

But with you in the Brighter World

I will be a child again.

And from there on, we will go together forever!

Until the end! Until the end! Until the end!

The Search!

As I take on with my life after your shattering demise, I realized that I have been forced upon with responsibilities. And while I continue to take care of the irksome office works and files and procuring all the relevant documents for the same, I found out that some of them were insufficent and some missing!

This drove me to conduct an inherent search of the lost papers and tokens. Every possible box and bag opened, its contents tossed and turned about and each document scanned for the nature of its contents. It was painful. It made me feel like an intruder in your personal space. Like some sort of a spy or a low life detective, rummaging through your stuff, scattering it around.

While I ransacked your papers I realized that not only am i searching for the needed documents but also i am dredging for similarities between us. Wishing with every word I utter and step I take I am duplicating you.

But moments later it dawned on me that its not about being you. Its about redefining myself, rather refining myself. It was kinda like a soul search, except that it was not. It was about who i was and who i am now And who I have to be. From denial to anger, bargain, depression and finally adjustment I have come a long way. I am no longer the person I was 10 months back. Although I  am not entirely sure that I like that fact.

I am no different then others. All of us engaged in some quest or the other. Some search for dreams and those who know theirs pursue them. Some search for peace and that little secluded happy place in the back of their mind. Some look for hope among broken dreams. And some delve into the past and search for lost dreams wishes and people.

Its just about picking the right quest.

Breaking Free!

I closed my eyes and drift in my imagination.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Cold wind cutting through my skin, blowing through my hair and making a mess out of them. Strangely, my hands are tied down together and held around my chest. I am confused and afraid. I look around. Nobody. Alone. Afraid. Aghast. Hysterical. I can feel the pang of anger and frustration building up inside my chest. Weird, I thought my chest was hollow with a huge hole carved in it... apparently i can harbor feelings!! I give a nervous look around. I look down the edge of the cliff... I see no ground... Nothing but darkness..Like its too low for light to reach there. I gasp. I will fall down this never ending blind valley.

I glance around. The sky is clear and mountains as far the eye can see. Bald mountains. No tree. No bird. No sign of life what so ever. Spooky. I feel strangled. Asphyxiated. 

The pain of the rope around hands now shoots to my brain and the trance I had been in while looking around breaks. I must break free. I must channelize my anger to a positive attitude. I must release myself from these bonds. I put my mind and strength to it. 

I try to pull my hands apart. Shouting loudly in the process. Almost, like my desire to break free from the bonds did the magic... in one fluid like motion the rope tying my hands together frees. I shout some more, this time with tears too. And i continue to scream my lungs out to the barren mountains till i cant do it anymore. My hands are free. I feel somewhat lighter. Somewhat changed. 

But the remains of the rope is still hanging from my wrists. I am free, but not completely. I fear some part of that emotion still strangles me. It will try to bind me again and push me down the cliff in the dark abyss of nothingness. I must move on from here. And I will.

KITE!

Its a plain black kite.

I remember the day vividly. I saw it hanging from a tree while I was with my father. And in a blink... almost like enchanted by it, I ran towards it. Ran to claim it as mine... And i remember him grin at me, probably thinking I am too old to run for kites!

The kite came home with me and I decorated it and wrote several(silly) things on it. And also in a small corner of the kite I certified that My Dad was THE COOLEST DAD in the entire world. This kite certificate which I later gave him! Yes it was kiddish...plain stupid I'd say. But, I was oblivious to the fact that it now became a very precious thing for my father... my DEDDA.

So he gets it framed and preserves it. And even after so many job transfers he had, that black kite always found a place in the new house!! It was like his own merit card or something equivalent or perhaps of even greater value than that. It was some trophy for him..."World's Best Dad"!!! \

And now that you are gone... I look at it and sometimes smile by the way you preserved it, sometimes cry-for such stupid thing would mean so much just because I gave it to you, sometimes I laugh remembering your grin when I ran for it, but mostly I feel empty,lost when I look at it. I miss you when I see it. I want to curl up in a shape of a ball and stop the searing pain in my chest. You were and will always be the greatest and coolest and best-est dad...And I will always be your Princess...Daddy's Little Angel.